


When The Fog Cleared

by southernraiders



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lu Ten (Avatar) Lives, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26547043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/southernraiders/pseuds/southernraiders
Summary: An atla au in which Aang had lost the war, and Ozai is now the Phoenix King."Truth and illusion can only coexist for so long."
Relationships: Katara/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	When The Fog Cleared

**Author's Note:**

> i suppose this is what happens when one reads too many war fics
> 
> before u start, i just wanna say... i'm sorry

**“ARE YOU CONTENT?”**

“No.” 

All wars, Katara supposed, had a numbing effect, and perhaps it was just so much worse for them because this particular war had been raging on for hundred years. Maybe even _more_ than a hundred years, since Aang had lost against Ozai. 

So, really, her answer should have been normal and expected. Except, as she quickly slipped into her room and clicked the door shut behind her, she had missed the pointed look Sokka had thrown to Suki.

" _Are you content, Suki?_ "

" _Yes, because even with the war, I have you by my side."_

“ _That's the thing, isn’t it?_ "

* * *

**“STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.”**

She stared at the wall stonily, shoulders slightly slumped from the exhaustion that was starting to have a physical toll on her.

_When was the last time I actually slept?_

“I mean it, Katara.” Sokka spoke up again, knitting his brows this time. “He was a Fire Nation soldier, wasn’t he? He would have killed you if you didn’t kill him first.”

_You’re wrong_ , she wanted to scream. _He’s not a soldier, Sokka. He’s just a teenager who was forced to conscript into the army. And I killed him._

_You’re wrong_ , she wanted to choke out. _He wouldn’t have killed me. He faltered. He gave me the chance to run._

“I think what Sokka is trying to say is that he was the enemy, and you didn’t have a cho-”

“Not just him, Suki,” Sokka interrupted coldly. “The Fire Nation. They are all the enemies.” 

_You’re wrong_ , she itched to retort, though she continued to stare blankly at the wall. _How could the soldier be the enemy when he had held back? He wasn’t the enemy. Not everyone in the Fire Nation is an enemy. Do you think Fire Nation defectors are the enemies?_

“Katara?” Sokka snapped and rose from his seat. “Are you listening?”

She blinked, finally dragging her gaze from the wall to meet her brother’s eyes.

_What about_ him, _Sokka?_ She had wanted to ask, the question at the tip of her tongue. She clenched her jaws tightly. _Do you still see him as the enemy, even until today? He changed for the good and he had helped Aang. He saved me, Sokka. But he was from the Fire Nation too. In fact, he was closer to the Fire Nation than that soldier; than a common civilian from there. Friend or foe, Sokka?_

Toph cleared her throat and leaned back against her seat, her feet propped up on the table. “Snoozles is right, you know,” she interjected. “About the soldier killing you if you didn’t kill him first, I mean. All’s fair in love and war, Sugar Queen. I’m sure you have heard of this saying.”

_Wrong. Nothing is fair._

Katara sighed, and stood up from her seat stiffly, blatantly ignoring the exasperated voice of Sokka from behind her as she headed straight for her room, then sliding down against the door as she muffled her sobs.

“Would everything be better if you were here?” she eventually muttered, hugging her small, crumpled frame. “I just wish you were here. I miss you. I’m sorry.”

* * *

**“DON’T.”**

Beside her, Toph snorted, and Katara allowed herself to relax just a little, simply because it would not hurt to have someone on her side this time. 

“Yeah,” Toph scoffed. “Even Iroh said it’s an effective strategy, Snoozles, so don’t.”

Suki, who had just entered the kitchen, came to an halt instantly. “Oh. You’re having this conversation again,” she sighed and took a seat right next to Sokka. “I just don’t see why you are so against it. It’s good, isn’t it?”

“You’re like Hama.”

Suki instantly smacked her boyfriend’s head from the back. “Don’t be an idiot, Sokka.”

“How am I wrong?”

“You just are,” Toph made a face. “It’s kill or be killed. That’s what you said, right? Sugar Queen is doing this to make things easier for our side. It’s either we’re outnumbered, or they’re outnumbered. Take you pick.” 

“Yeah, but Hama-”

“Stop trying to take the moral high ground,” Katara snapped at last. “Don’t villainise Hama. She mastered it because of survival. I’m doing this for survival as well, to prevent as many deaths as I can on our side. And if this,” she glared, “is going to make me be exactly like Hama, then _fine_.”

“I’d rather you just fight with your waterbending skills or just heal.”

She laughed mirthlessly. “Remember the last time I tried to heal?” 

“That wasn’t your fault, Katara! You tried your best-”

“Did I _really_ , Sokka? Did I really try my freaking best? Maybe if I actually had the guts to bloodbend then, maybe things would be different now. Maybe he…” 

She trailed off and exited the kitchen before her brother could respond, and it was only when she entered into her room, that she realised there were tears streaming down her cheeks.

_Too much. Too much. Too much._

“I miss you.” 

* * *

**TIME WAS RELATIVE.**

She reckoned she was at the mercy of it, for all she could do was to go along with the flow unquestioningly. Sometimes, time was faster for her and slower for others. Sometimes, time was slower for her and faster for others. She knew that was the case, but she did not quite know when it was faster and when it was slower. 

She tried to diligently keep track of time. But, somehow, she always managed to lose grip of it. It was all too overwhelming for her, and she found it extremely hard to follow; extremely hard to breathe. It felt like she was drowning and suffocating. At least, that was until she disassociated and disconnected herself from reality every once in a while. Maybe that was why time kept slipping past her unknowingly. Or maybe- 

She did not know, honestly. Maybe time was relative because it just was. Maybe time was relative for everyone, not only her. 

What she certainly knew, though, was that it was his birthday today. 

“Is that cake?” Suki asked excitedly just as Katara entered the safe house, with Toph straightening herself from the couch at the mention of food. At Katara’s small nod, Suki beamed. “Amazing. What’s the occasion?” 

She blinked.

Then another time.

“It’s… his birthday today.” 

“Oh.” 

Katara watched as Suki nervously glanced at Toph, before elbowing Toph’s ribs when the younger girl opened her mouth. 

“ _Ouch_. Watch your elbow. Also, Sugar Queen, it isn’t- his bir-” Toph smacked Suki’s arm away from her and forcibly removed Suki’s palm over her mouth. “You can’t possibly be attacking a blind girl like this!” She yelled, entirely put off by Suki’s unexpected move. “I will hit you with rocks if you do this one more time.” 

“Don’t say whatever you wanted to say,” Suki lowered her voice. “She doesn’t need to know.”

“What, so you want to lie to Sugar Queen? I-”

“Keep it down,” she muttered to Toph, then flashing Katara a shaky smile. 

“Toph,” Katara prodded with a frown.

The younger girl sighed. “It isn’t his birthday today, Sugar Queen. His birthday was- _quit_ kicking my ankles, Kyoshi Warrior. Anyway, his birthday was last month.” 

Katara stilled. “Last month?”

_Last month. It was last month. I missed his birthday. I forgot his birthday. Spirits, it was_ last _month. And I only realised it today. Today. Last month._

Her heart was constricting with so much pain all of a sudden, and it was only when Suki had gently touched her arm that she snapped back to reality. She flinched, struggling to control her breathing, her chest heaving rapidly in panic. And-

_Oh, spirits. It was last month. How could I miss it? How could I forget?_

_Too much. Too much. Too much._

She did not register the reactions of Suki and Toph, for she had dropped the cake and promptly ran to her room. 

All she knew was that she had curled herself up into a ball, and she had allowed herself to break down completely this time. No tearing up, no sobs. Just the gut wrenching cry that was finally accorded the chance to burst and explode from the back of her throat.

“I’m sorry.”

* * *

**“KATARA?”** **  
****  
**

She whipped her head around and positioned her hands right in front of her water skin, eyes calculating and sharp, only to falter and blink in guilt when she realised it was just Iroh, who was standing by the door.

“Sorry.”

He smiled in understanding. “Are you the only one here?”

“Yes.” 

“I’m actually back from the White Lotus base, and I brought along a few people with me.”

“Oh.”

Iroh nodded. “They’ll be staying with us for some time. I hope that is not an issue. It’s the closest safe house from the base, and since I’m staying here as well, I thought it would be sensible to take them along with me.” 

“Sure.”

“The more company, the merrier.” Iroh pondered for a moment. “And unless my memory is failing me, I would say you know two of them, out of the three.”

Katara watched as he beckoned the guests to enter the safe house. 

“I’m sure you know Mai and Ty Lee. This is-”

“Zuko!” 

Her eyes widened as soon as the last person stepped into the safe house and before she knew what she was doing, she found herself running across the room, her heart pounding way too loudly in her chest. She raised her shaky hands and cupped his cheeks delicately, her voice barely above a whisper as she spoke.

“You’re here. You came back, Zuko.” She swallowed tightly, her eyes burning and stinging with unshed tears that were threatening to spill over her eyelashes. 

_Finally._

“Wha-”

And then she burst, a raw, strangled sob coming from her throat as she threw herself onto him, and burrowed her face into his shoulder blade. “I missed you so, so much. Please don’t ever leave me again. Please stay with me. _Please_.” 

* * *

**SO MUCH BLOOD.**

She knew that the blood which had drenched her tunic did not belong to her. Most of the time, the blood never belonged to her, even if it was on her. But, like always, it felt otherwise. And perhaps it was true, that even though it did not come from her, it was still a part of her. Like a sort of inheritance, per se. 

Because even after she washed her tunic (sometimes, she simply burned them when it was too much), even after she scrubbed her body violently, she could still see the blood on her. On her hands, especially. 

It was invisible to others, but not to her. Never to her. She could always see it all. Fresh, red blood. It served as a reminder of the people who had suffered in her hands; of the deaths she had taken. They were her sins, and she doubted she would ever be able to repent for them.

(Not that she would repent sincerely. Because if killing others was the only way she could ensure the survival of her loved ones, then she would do it over, and over, and over again with no qualms.) 

She unlocked the safe house and stepped inside quietly, thinking she would be all alone in the living room since it was past midnight, only to stiffen when she heard a shuffling of feet from the kitchen. 

He smiled briefly as he made eye contact with her, then freezing entirely when he saw her tunic.

“Are you-”

“Okay? Somewhat. Bleeding? No. It’s not my blood, if that’s what you wanted to ask. It would be better if it was mine, though.” She shrugged, then biting her bottom lip when he stared at her in shock. “Ignore my last sentence.” 

“You’re bleeding.” He gestured roughly to the left side of his forehead.

She raised a hand to hers. “Oh, right. Guess I am.” 

“It’s not… painful?”

She stared at him blankly, before laughing in amusement. “No. I’m frankly quite numb to such pain.” 

“Oh. So nothing is painful to you?”

Her smile was dropped instantly, and she felt indignant. “False. You cannot possibly think that’s true, Zuko.”

He looked at her oddly for a second. “I suppose.”

“It _isn’t_ true,” she insisted hotly. “And you should know that. _You_ , out of all people, should know that. You should know how much it pained me when you… almost died. You almost _died_ , Zuko! You didn’t think that would be painful to me? Did you not think I would _hate_ myself for it? I almost lost you because of my incapability. Did you honestly think that would not pain me? That it would not _kill_ me? Because it did! It was _my_ fault. I thought I was a master at waterbending, I thought I could heal people successfully. But I _didn’t_. I _failed_ to heal you. I failed you when you needed me the _most_.”

“Is that why you don’t heal people with your bending anymore?” He asked cautiously. “Your brother, Sokka, told me about it.”

“Yes.”

“I think you should, well, heal people again. Sokka said you were great at that.”

“No. Call me a coward, if you must, but I don’t think I can stomach another… failure.”

“But I’m… back, aren’t I?” He watched her carefully. “Which means you technically didn’t fail at all.” 

“I suppose, if you put it that way. But it’s still a no. I don’t want to risk anything.”

“Consider it, at least?”

Her blue eyes met his golden eyes hesitantly. “Okay.”

_For you_ , she wanted to add. _I’ll only consider it because it’s you who asked._

* * *

**“TOPH, NO!”**

Katara quickly disentangled herself from Suki after making sure she was alright, then sprinting over to the younger girl. 

“Toph! _Toph_ ,” Katara shouted urgently and shook her shoulders frantically. “Toph. Can you hear me? Stay with me. Don’t… _don’t_ close your damn eyes, Toph! Listen, you’ll be fine so stay with me. Suki is calling for help. _Stay with me_.” 

Toph laughed weakly. “You… stay with me instead, Sugar Queen,” she coughed. “You’re losing it again.” 

“I’m so, so sorry, Toph. I-I should have grabbed you instead of Suki. I’m so sorry.”

“And you would let Suki d-die instead? Please.” 

“No one is dying, Toph! _You’re_ not. I am _not_ allowing that to happen. I-”

“Mind your tears, Sugar Queen,” Toph joked. “You’re spilling them on my face. But really,” she choked out. “Keep it together, Katara. You… you said I will be fine, right?”

“Yes. Yes, you will be. Help is com-”

“Heal me.”

Katara choked back a sob. “I can’t, Toph. You know I… don’t trust my healing abilities. I am not taking another risk.”

“To try is better than not trying at all.” Toph smiled delicately. “What if I… die before help comes?”

“No, you _won’t_!” 

“I might. I’m feeling a little sleepy, Sugar-”

“Toph! _Toph_! You are _not_ closing your eyes in front of me. Stay with me,” Katara pleaded desperately. “Oh, spirits. No, no, _no_. Open your eyes. Come _on_ , Toph!” 

And when the younger girl’s eyes fluttered shut, Katara screamed. 

_“Sokka said you were great at that.”_

_“Consider it, at least?” “Okay.”_

_“To try is better than not trying at all.”_

She commanded the water out of her water skin with a smooth flow of her hands mechanically, but as she neared the injuries of Toph, she hesitated just briefly. 

_What if?_

She jumped slightly at the hand on her back.

“Go for it,” Suki encouraged. 

“Do you think… it would work?” Katara asked softly. “I’m scared, Suki.”

“I know, but I’m here with you, Katara. You can do this. I know you can.” 

“Really?”

“Yes.” 

And then she placed her hands on Toph’s abdomen, Suki and her watching as it glowed brightly, the water working its magic like always. She could feel it tingling and fixing the damages. 

_Please work._

For a moment, she was back at the Capital City with Zuko. For a moment, it was not Toph, but Zuko. 

“Katara, look! Toph’s back!”

She blinked at the same time Toph gasped for air. 

“Thank you, Sugar Queen.”

_“Thank you, Katara.”_

She waited. She waited for signs of her failure; for Toph to fall back onto the ground; for Toph to close her eyes again. She waited. 

_One. Two. Three. Four. Five-_

“I’m okay, Sugar Queen. Really. You didn’t fail.” 

_Zuko._

Katara did not quite remember what had happened thereafter, for the next thing she knew, her world had turned black.

* * *

**“YOU’RE FINALLY OUT.”**

She glanced up at the source of the sound stiffly, before relaxing the tension in her body when she realised it was just him. “Yes. Hi, by the way.” 

“Why did you coop yourself up in the room?”

“I… I don’t really know. I just didn’t feel like coming out. Didn’t feel quite right.”

He nodded. “You did great, you know. Suki told us what happened.”

“Is Toph…” 

“She’s still alive. Well and healthy. The same as when I first met her.”

She exhaled shakily and headed towards the kitchen. “I’m glad. That’s a relief.” 

“Does this mean you’ll start healing people again?”

“Maybe. Maybe not,” she shrugged and poured herself a cup of tea. “I’m still a little afraid.”

“Afraid? Why?” 

“I still… dream of you. It’s weird, I know, since you’re back. You’re clearly alive. But…” she sighed after taking a sip. “I always have nightmares about the both of us at the Capital City. Like… when you took the lightning for me and I… healed and saved you, yes, but I always… end up failing because you… would shut your eyes again. I have the same nightmare every single night. I don’t- I just can’t understand it.” 

“The same exact scene always plays out in your nightmares?”

“Always? Well… not really. I mean, most of the time it’s the same. But… not quite as well,” she shook her head with furrowed brows. “For one, it would always be pouring heavily, even though it didn’t rain when we were there back then. Because of the downpour, there is always a… fog. It plays a significant factor, if I dare say so myself.” 

He arched a brow.

“Yeah. Like, my nightmares tend to vary, even though they’re all more or less the same. The fog… well, sometimes I lose you because I failed to heal you precisely. With the reduced visibility, I ended up overlooking your fatal injury.” 

“Oh. That’s… interesting.”

“Really? Interesting?” She deadpanned and he quirked a playful smile.

“Yes. For the lack of a better word,” he chuckled, before sobering up. “What’s the worst variation of your nightmares?”

She swallowed, and avoided his eyes as she forced the words out of her mouth. 

“When I fail to even reach you.”

* * *

**“YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.”**

_"I waited out here all night.”_

She held back a small smile. 

“Thank you,” she responded drily instead, and chewed on her dumplings. 

“The nightmares?”

“Yes. The worst variation for three days straight.”

“Oh.”

“I know. I know it doesn’t make sense. I mean you’re literally here in front of me, right?”

“Sure.”

* * *

**KATARA ALWAYS MADE** an effort to avoid crossing paths with Ty Lee and Mai. She knew they were defectors, and that they were good. Mai had even helped them escape in the past, back at the Boiling Rock. But it was still so painfully awkward. 

“Katara, right? Hi!” 

She turned reluctantly. “Hi, Ty Lee,” she greeted, then noticing the older girl behind Ty Lee. “Hi, Mai.” 

“Wait for me, Mai,” Ty Lee said to the other girl. “Let me put these in my room, and then we can head over to the White Lotus base.”

As soon as Ty Lee exited the kitchen, Katara heaved a small sigh of relief, only to tense all over again when Mai spoke from behind her.

“I should hate you, you know.”

Katara whirled around. “What?” 

“I should hate you,” Mai repeated again, this time a little slower for extra emphasis. 

She felt her mouth go dry. “Why?”

“Because you failed to save Zuko.”

“But… but he’s… here, isn’t he?” 

Mai softened her gaze and sighed, closing her eyes momentarily as she pinched her nose bridge. “This is why I cannot bring myself to hate you.” 

* * *

**“YOU AND MAI?”**

“What?”

“Are the two of you back together?”

He laughed, startling her. 

“ _What_ , Zuko?” 

“Mai and I have never been together.” He laughed harder at her face of disapproval. “What, you’re telling me we were once together?”

“Yes, you idiot.” And then he doubled over in laughter. “Whatever. Shut up, Zuko. You’re going to wake Iroh up.” 

But he simply ignored her, clutching his stomach as he roared with laughter. She leaned back against the wall contentedly, her heart drumming against her chest giddily, as she beheld the sight of him being free and happy. 

For a moment, she forgot about the war that was raging on outside; about the deaths she had to witness and the invisible blood that would always taint her palms.

For a moment, she forgot about the nightmares of Capital City that plagued her every night, ones that would cause her to wake up with cold sweat, paralysed on her bed.

For a moment, she focused on him and her in the kitchen; on them. 

And she smiled genuinely. 

* * *

**“ARE YOU CONTENT?”**

“Yes.” 

Because he had came back, and so had she.

* * *

**HAPPINESS WAS FLEETING.**

It was something Katara knew by heart. 

So she should have seen it coming, really, when things became too good to be true; when she became too comfortable, familiar, and attached to it all. 

“What?” Aang gaped at her. “You’re saying Zuko is in the safe house with all of you? He’s… there?” 

“Yes, Aang, Zuko is there. He’s very much alive.” She rambled, tugging his sleeve as they walked back to the safe house. “I talk to him every single day. Stop looking at me like _that_. I’m not crazy. Toph, Sokka, and Suki talk to him too. He’s as real as he can be.”

Aang made a suspicious face. 

“I’m serious, Aang. It _is_ Zuko.” 

She unlocked the door and entered the safe house with Aang trailing behind her. As she heard voices coming from the kitchen, she hurriedly dragged Aang towards it. 

“There!” She announced excitedly. “He’s very much alive, isn’t he, Aang? Look, it’s Zuko. You-”

“Katara?” Aang eyed her nervously. “That’s not-”

Sokka shot up from his seat immediately. “Aang-” 

“Twinkletoes, I swear-”

“- Zuko,” finished Aang, a perplexed look on his face. “That isn’t Zuko, Katara.” 

She felt the air leave her body completely. “If that’s not Zuko then who-”

“That’s Lu Ten. Iroh’s son.” 

“Oh.” 

And when the fog cleared, she did not see him. 

She did not see the boy who had repented and redeemed himself, the boy who had stood up against his father despite chasing for his father’s approval for the most part of his life. She did not see the boy who never once harboured any ill feelings for her, even though he had been tirelessly chasing after Aang. She did not see the boy who had confided in her when they were thrown into the Crystal Catacombs. She did not see the boy who had understood and supported her when she wanted to confront the person who had murdered her mother. She did not see the boy who had specifically picked her to help him with the final Agni Kai against his sister. 

When the fog cleared, she did not see Zuko, the boy whom she had grown to love secretly, the man whom she knew she would always love. 

When the fog cleared, she simply saw Lu Ten, the soldier who had once been part of the Fire Nation Army, Iroh’s real son.

She stumbled back a little, and dug her nails into her palms, clenching her fists tightly as she did so. Because just as the fog had cleared and reminded her that that was Lu Ten and not Zuko, it had also brought the harsh truth to the forefront. 

It was a truth which she had always subconsciously knew, but was too afraid to confront it entirely, for she had desperately buried it at the back of her mind instead, hoping that it would somehow disappear entirely on its own one day.

She had indeed, really, and truly _failed_ to save Zuko. 

He was undeniably _gone_. 

She swallowed thickly and felt her heart drop. A stinging pain, followed by an icy, prickly sensation enveloped her body. She inhaled steadily, only to exhale shakily, with heat flashing into her face. She fumbled with her fingers, tangling and untangling them repeatedly.

_Breathe, Katara. Just breathe._

She finally choked out an embarrassed laugh and locked eyes with Zu- Lu Ten. “I’m so sorry. For mistaking you as… him. I’m really sorry.” 

She could not believe she had been calling him Zuko ever since he stepped foot into the safe house. She had even hugged him and told him how he had finally came back to her. He had never corrected her, but instead continued to let her call him so. Neither did Sokka, Suki, or Toph. Even Iroh did not correct her. Nor did Ty Lee and Mai. 

Everyone in the safe house must have thought she was unhinged. 

“It’s honestly no big deal,” Lu Ten shrugged, and beamed at her. “I’d even say it's a privilege to be called by his name.” 

She did not register the fact that Sokka had abandoned his seat and was standing right next to her, until he pulled her in for a quick hug. “It’s okay. He reminds me so much of Zuko too.” 

She did not mean to inhale so hard at those words, but she did so anyway, her vision immediately blurring. She blinked back her tears. As Sokka took a step back, she carefully examined Lu Ten. 

It was the smile. It was the same shade of golden eyes. It was the easy and comfortable feeling that she had whenever she was with Zuko. And yes, maybe she was literally losing her mind. Just a little. But still losing it, nevertheless. Maybe it was something else, like the constant unknowing of what tomorrow would be like and what it would bring, the constant uncertainty, that made her search for the familiar and name them as things she knew. Maybe she just wanted a sense of familiarity, because familiarity had always brought her comfort and peace. 

Or maybe she just missed him dearly, and it cannot be an active thought to realise that she had been calling someone the name of the man she loved. 

Maybe she was unhinged. Maybe she was slipping. And maybe this — whatever it was — was supposed to be okay. Maybe it was okay, because she was still relatively sane and functioning. And if this was the way she could cope, then it was okay. More than okay, in fact.

Except, she did not think it was okay. She was utterly embarrassed. And angry. Because now everyone in the kitchen was staring at her, and they were coming to conclusions that she was indeed starting to lose it. 

(“ _You’re losing it again_ ,” Toph had said. They knew she was a little unstable. They _knew_.)

But it was not the same, because even though they had assumed she was unstable, it simply ended with their assumption. They had nothing to prove it, since she had always waited until she was in her room to let it go. Until now, at least, because this time, she had _exposed_ herself. 

She had unknowingly exposed herself all this time. She had laid her weakness out for them in the open, and they had taken _advantage_ of it. They played along with her. 

They _played_ her. 

It was meant to be a weakness for her. Just her alone. No one else. 

It was meant to be a pain she kept to herself, because putting it out in the open would mean it would destroy her effectively. 

And she let it happened. She let them had fun with it. 

“I’m going to retire for the day,” was all she said after prolonged silence.

“Katara, listen-” 

“Leave me alone, Sokka.” She snapped with a glare. “ _All_ of you leave me alone.”

* * *

**SHE DID NOT** leave her room for close to a week. 

When she finally did so, though, she found Lu Ten in the kitchen.

“Hi, Katara.” 

She nodded in acknowledgement. He was, quite frankly, the last person she wanted to see.

“About the whole name fiasco, I-”

“I still dream about him. You know that already of course, since I’ve told you that before.” She laughed cooly. “It’s different this time. I didn’t dream of the Capital City. I didn’t dream of his death. There was no… fog.” 

She sneaked a glance, then willing herself to go on when she realised he was listening intently.

“He was there. Zuko, I mean. It was at the place where I first hugged him. And he was there. The sun was setting and he was looking at it. His eyes are — were — exactly like yours, you know? He turned when he heard my footsteps. In the dream, I mean. And he… he smiled. He wasn’t in pain this time. He was _happy_. And he… _hugged_ me. He said he was expecting me, and I thought, for a moment, that I was dead or something. And I was actually happy that I was dead, because I was _finally_ with him. But then… well, I woke up and was hit with the realisation that it was only a dream.”

“At least it wasn’t a nightmare.”

“I wished it was a nightmare, though. Not because I want to replay that same tragic scene over and over,” she clarified. “It’s because at least there’s some level of… truth in it. That he’s really gone. But this? It makes it seem as though he’s still very much _alive_ , and it hurts more than the nightmare. It makes this — _reality_ — a nightmare for me, because when I wake up, he would _still_ be gone. And when I wake up, I would be reminded of the cruel fact that he is gone because of _me_.”

“So you would rather prefer the fog to stay?”

“As selfish as you might think it is, and as absurd as everyone might feel, yes. I would rather the fog not clear at all.” 

“You could still address me by his name, if you’d like.”

“No.” She blinked back her tears and shook her head solemnly. “It doesn’t work like that. Truth and illusion can only coexist for so long. The moment you’re disillusioned, rejecting the truth by insistently reinforcing the illusion becomes much harder.” 

“Fair,” Lu Ten eyed her carefully. “You do know that Zuko would not blame you right? I’m sure he knew you tried your best.” 

She did not answer him this time, and it was only when he had left the kitchen after taking her silence as the answer, that she had collapsed onto the floor. 

Because yes, Katara knew that Zuko would never blame her for this. Because yes, Katara knew that Zuko would know that she had tried her best. But no, all of these only made everything so much worse. 

Because it simply meant that her best had never been enough, and that she was doomed to fail the man she loved no matter what. 

**Author's Note:**

> again!! i'm sorry!!!
> 
> also, i know lu ten doesn't have a scar on his face like zuko, but that's the point i think. i just wanted to show how much of a strain the war has been on katara and how losing zuko has caused her to snap mentally (even if she doesn't realise it herself). so even though lu ten doesn't actually have a scar on his face, katara somehow hallucinates and thinks he does, simply because she misses zuko that much.
> 
> (ps. kithes, it's ur turn)


End file.
